Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The Days that Followed

The hospital were so kind to us.  They took hand and footprints of Benjamin and put them in a keepsake box.  They also took a few strands of his hair for us to treasure.  They allowed us as much time as we wanted to hold Benjamin and have our final moments with him.  I never wanted to leave him but I knew that I had to.  The moment we had to be parted from him was unbearable.  I didn't want to hand my beautiful baby over to strangers and leave him alone in the hospital.  When the Midwife came to take him away, her words to me were "don't worry, I'll look after him like he were my own".  She will never know how much those few words meant to me and how much comfort they brought.

We arranged for Benjamin to go to a Chapel of Rest close to our home.  I needed to have him as near to me as I possibly could.  As stupid as it may sound, I did get some comfort in arranging the service for his funeral as I felt that I needed to do the best for my little boy and to make sure he had something special to honour his short and precious life.  We chose a beautiful version of twinkle twinkle little star and chose some beautiful poems for the service.  My brother designed a beautiful order of service.  We did the best that we could for him.

We chose to have Benjamin cremated as I couldn't face the thought of watching his tiny coffin be lowered into the ground and leaving him there.  I think I would have felt the need to be permanently at his graveside and that isn't what I wanted.  I wanted him at home with us, as near to us as possible.

It goes without saying that the day we had to say our final goodbye to Benjamin was another one of the worst days of my life.  No parent should ever have to go through the pain of losing a child.  It's just not the way it should be.

The days and weeks that followed the funeral were especially tough.  I felt so fragile.  The first time I went to the Supermarket after Benjamin's funeral, I felt like I was standing still and everyone else was moving around me.  I felt like screaming out to them "don't you know I've just lost my baby?".  These people were just carrying on with their everyday lives, doing trivial things, I felt like they should all be in mourning like me.  I remember reading peoples status's on Facebook and thinking "I've just lost my baby and all you can share with the world is that you can't decide what to have for your tea!".  I stayed away from Facebook for quite a long time.


  1. Dear Nicola,

    Sincere condolence.

    I could relate to your condition because I have also lost many loved ones. And then the entire world seems to be alien for us for sometime, till we come out of the grief.

    I wish happy joyful days for your and your entire family.


  2. I just stumbled upon your blog today as I was searching the internet for quotes and I got sucked in to reading your entire blog. I too blog and started doing so after I lost my baby boy due to stillbirth at 34 weeks. I feel exactly the same way. As if the world is continuing on without me and I don't know how to get back in it and move with it. It doesn't seem right. Nothing seems right without my baby here. I hope you have found some peace. I'm still struggling to find that peace as it has only been 13 weeks since Nolan passed away.