Benjamin's Arrival

As the pending arrival of the baby drew closer, I became more and more anxious.  Part of me wanted to never go into labour because I knew exactly what was ahead.  The other part of me wanted it to happen so that I could begin to move on from this nightmare.

Benjamin went 4 days over his due date and when we arrived at the hospital, the Midwive told me that they'd been expecting me for some time.  I don't think they thought that Benjamin would make it this far.  The Midwife was right, Mother Nature was extremely kind and Benjamin was born very quickly with just gas and air.  Under normal circumstances, I guess it was the kind of delivery any woman could wish for.

When Benjamin was born, he didn't make a sound.  There was no miracle like my parents had hoped for, it was exactly as the Doctors had said.  They handed me our beautiful baby boy and Lee and I just cried.  He may not have been physically perfect but to us, he was perfect in every way.  I had never doubted that we had done the right thing but at that instant, I knew that we had given our beautiful baby a chance.  Although his time on this earth was short, it was priceless and precious time.  Benjamin met his Mummy and Daddy, his big Sister, his Grandparents and his Uncle Stuart.  Our little boy has a name, an identity and a family that he got to meet and be loved by.

Meeting Mummy & Daddy x

My Mummy & Me x

Meeting my Big Sister & Making Memories x

   
 

The next 27 hours were like nothing I've ever experienced or want to experience ever again.  All we did was cuddle our beautiful son  Throughout the course of the 27 hours, Benjamin kept having breathing apnoeas.  When he had the first one, we thought we'd lost him.  It was the worst feeling ever.  He would stop breathing completely and then what seemed like an age later, but was probably only seconds, he would gasp and start breathing again.  We became accustomed to this eventually as it became quite a regular occurence but each time it happened we seemed to hold our own breaths in the anticipation that he wasn't going to start breathing again.  Our beautiful little boy opened his eyes and looked at us.  It was amazing to see him looking into our eyes and it helped to ease our pain.  I know that he knew he was loved.

After about 4 hours, the Doctors decided that we needed to feed Benjamin.  As he had a cleft lip and palate, I wasn't able to feed him myself and he couldn't have a special feeding bottle either, so we had to take him up to the Special Care Baby Unit where he had a feeding tube inserted.  We went up with him - we were too scared that something might happen if we left him for even a minute.  The Doctors decided to administer morphine just to ensure he wasn't in any pain - he wasn't showing any signs of discomfort but I guess they wanted to act on the side of caution just in case.

The hours that followed were just spent cuddling and loving our little boy.  We got to do some of the normal things that new parents do - we changed his nappy and dressed him.  We took some photos and did some camcordering and tried to make some memories in the short time that we had.  It was hard to smile for the family photo but I knew that in the months and years to come, I wouldn't always feel as desperately sad as I did at that moment and it was important to have something to look back at.

Benajmin kept going and at one point, we even talked to the Doctors about the posibility of taking him home.  I think it was just wishful thinking on our part if I'm honest but the longer he kept going, the more I think we thought he may defy the odds and keep going for weeks.  In hindsight, we were probably crazy to even think it but I guess we just wanted to take our baby home like any other normal couple.

In the early hours of the morning on the 22nd of July 2009, our beautiful baby boy passed away peacefully as we cradled him in our arms.

Our Precious Angel

 
   

My Rock! x